The long-awaited bench press contest between THE JESTER, hereinafter referred to as THE EXALTED DEFENDER OF OLD GUYS, and his 18-year-old grandson, hereinafter referred to as “The Kid” took place on Dec. 28. (THE JESTER is the handsome one in the pictures.) The winner was to be determined by the number of reps at half body weight in one minute. Seems simple enough. But much to the disappointment of the crowd, the contest ended in a technical draw because the timekeeper, Mrs. Jester, gave the The Kid a false start, and he had to start over. To be clear, THE JESTER did not ask Mrs. Jester to cheat for him. He is quite capable of doing that on his own, thank you.

THE EXALTED DEFENDER OF OLD GUYS pumped out 40 clean reps while The Kid was able to push out only 37 on his second try and he was shaking so much it looked like someone put a 120 V electrical cord up his butt. To be fair, which is really difficult, he probably could have pushed out 43-45 reps if Mrs. Jester hadn’t given him a false start. But on the other hand, because scientists always have other hands, THE JESTER had been pushing out 42-43 reps in training but missed his target body weight due to Xmas party bloat and had to add an extra 5 pounds to his bench press.

The Kid “had” to go back to North Carolina to see his girlfriend. So, the rematch will have to wait. Unless The Kid wants to retire while he is ahead

What A Difference 100 Million Dollars Makes

As reported in all the best journals and blogs, a “cockroach” was seen on the birthday cake for Dream Kardashian at her second birthday party (Dream, really?). The offending beast was seen in Kylie Jenner‘s Instagram story. Kylie is famous for, well, just because. The Jester sends his thoughts and prayers to the family.